Shit
I find myself just filling my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doing fine and I'm plannin' to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say
Where did you go?

10:57 am

something freaking weird happened in madrasah class today.
a classmate got possesed, i think..

she was fine when she entered class. but after awhile, as she was given this set of notes, "pengubatan yand haram di sisi Islam" (non-halal medication in Islam), she remained quiet stiff.

after awhile, when i asked her if there was anything wrong, she ran away from me and hid inside the prayer hall on the third floor. there was obviously something wrong, so someone referred her to a teacher. lesson continued and the teacher sat with her to "talk things out". anw, before this, when my other comrades asked her whether she was alryte, she started talking abt motorcycles, helmets and the army..

i was called out (at this pt in time, i had no idea why..) according to the teacher, she acted funny bcos when she was asked what was wrong (by the teacher), she said, "aku tak amek dadah. aku tak minum arak.. btol, aku tak buat.." ("i dont take drugs. i dont drink. really, i didnt do it..")

teacher also said that the girl was scared of me. -__-
she told her that i kept staring at her for no apparent reason. after that, when she was better, she said, "i like and love atifah.. but when i look at her, i see someone else in her face.." (or something to that extent).

and of course i was freaked, damn it.. teacher told me not to worry cos 'maybe its just her'.. what the heck are the chances..

lessons continued as usual after that but this time, i made sure i did not look at her at all.. it was too obvious but i hoped by doing what i did, she would calm down and not get so affected. i dont know what happened to her after class cos i went home immediately. i msged teacher and she said my classmate was fine and her dad picked her up.

teachers tried to convince me that things were playing in her mind cos she had a history of this back then. i cant help thinking that it may be true.. she cant be making all those up ryte.?well, unless she's not-so-sane, manipulative and has nothing better to do.. or she just needs some attention cos she's one of the quieter ones in class.

i do hope she gets better after some rest though. i want my classmate and friend back. =(

10:59 pm

Dear god, I am ur weak creation. I don’t like some things but I cant say it out although I desperately want to. Bcos when I do, they just dont come out ryte or the other doesn’t get it. I’d make myself or the other party or both upset. I don’t like that. I'm sure others feel the same way..

Dear god, sometimes, I am tired of this – this feeling to conform to something which is not me although I try hard enough to be it. Sometimes, I feel as if I’m a hypocrite, stabbing my ownself in the back. But dear god, what can I do.? I wanna make others happy. I really do..

Dear god, I’ve been too weak recently, I’ve cried buckets and pails to the extent that my eyes go swollen before I sleep. Now, I think and hope these eyes are dried up already bcos I don’t wanna do it anymore..

Dear god, for now, I just ask for one. Stop this pain, or at least numb it for me. Some anaesthetics or mayb valium would do..

Dear god, i get my strength from u. so thank u for loving me. Bcos I love u too..

12:24 am

have u ever felt tired bcos u slept for too long.?

thats what i am feeling now. restless and exhausted bcos i overshot the supposed number of hours a person shud least be sleeping. i cudnt concentrate doing my work just now and i ended up sleeping while thinking of an answer to a freaking question. -____- idiotic, i know. someone told me that if u sleep too much, ur brain functions slower than the default. oh, what a coincidence.

and for that, i shud spank myself.

went to granny's in the evening. i hate how the ppl there treat her. oh ppl, listen here. my granny has feelings too. wld u like it if ur children treats u like that when u grow old and are paralysed - like a heartless doll.? i dont think so..

so if u shove food down her throat or dont clean her up after she poops in her pampers, then dont bother. give in to those who really love her and wanna take care of her. savvy.?

thank u and gd nyte.

12:42 am

i did this for feature writing CA and i got 82 for it. *beams*
however, 80% of it was made up. hahaaa. happy reading.
_______

First impression definitely does matter. One look at him and it already hinted an aura of arrogance, with his nose literally stuck in the air. He was lightly tanned and had a mass of messy brown hair. He was short and looked as if he was suffering from malnutrition – his skin hanging desperately to his bone.

He looked at people with a prominent indication of disgust. His eyes often portrayed a fusion of anger, frustration and dissatisfaction. He was definitely not an approachable person and I decided that I did not want to be associated with such a person at all.

Both of us were helping Farhan, a childhood friend of mine, at Kak Elly’s wedding. We started talking by chance for he happened to be the only free one around to help me carry a pile of dirty dishes. Somehow, the conversation kept on going and that was how our friendship blossomed. My previous thoughts of him died right away.

Basking in the scorching heat, we rested from a hard day’s work. We talked as if we were long lost friends who had so much to catch up on. We spoke about everything under the sun, from favourite hangouts to music and transvestites to early marriages. As we exchanged numbers, we made a promise to keep in contact regularly. And so we did.

We made it a point to call each other every other night. We talked till about 2 to 3 am when most people were already sound asleep. No matter how long, how much or how often we talked, the well of conversations never seemed to dry up.

This was in late 2003 when we were both going to enter secondary 4. The next year we were going to sit for our ‘O’ levels. He had to repeat his secondary 3 years for he did not pass satisfactorily for the first. We made empty promises to meet up again to study and excel together. However, due to distance constraints (he was living in Chua Chu Kang while I lived in Yishun), we never did.

He was a family man, putting his family members first before himself. He often talked of his family: his elder siblings who were married, his lovable nephews and his darling mother.

He also told me of his selfish aspiration of wanting to get married early and have a family of his own. He told me that he wanted to move to a faraway land where he could have a whole island to himself. He told me of his wish to take over the world. He told me that he wanted to die a hero; loved and worshipped by all.

I had never seen someone so blinded with fantasies till I met him. He talks of them incessantly. I never fail to wonder, “Is he for real?” when I hear him talk of all those intangibles.

But that was just the way he is. He likes thinking of almost impossible thoughts because to him, they are sources of motivation. He feels that they are possible to attain if he works hard enough to achieve them.

“Everyday is a brand new day. Everyday there is something new to be learnt and everyday new goals have to be set.”

He was a centre where I often confided my deepest thoughts, feelings, stories and secrets. I told him how much I hated school and that I wished I could burn my school down. I told him of feuds with my parents and that I wished I never had to live with them. I told him of how much I wanted to grow up as fast as possible so that I never have to be treated like a child ever again.

According to him, I think too hard and because of that, I always feel pressurised. He encouraged me to loosen up a little and live each day as it was. With that, I was impressed with his outlook of life. It was simple yet it left an indescribably deep mark at how I view life now.

Whenever he listened to that, he would just say “You’re so different from me.” Then, we would laugh at our childish behaviour and start talking of lighter and merrier issues.

I only realised the importance of his existence in my life when he was involved in a fateful accident which almost caused his dear life.

He was working as a dispatch rider since he just got his motorcycle license last September. The night was cold and rain fell mercilessly. It was his last order for the day and he wanted to finish it all up as soon as possible. He tried to beat a traffic light which was turning red at a heavy district junction. His bike swerved across the slippery floor and collided with a near curb. That sent him sliding a good ten metres away from his already badly smashed bike parts that were caused by the horrendous impact of speed.

His safety gear were all out of place and he became unconscious as his head collided with a lamp post in the way. Voices blared and honks blasted. The area suddenly became mayhem and it was a gruesome sight as blood was smeared all over the scene. Lucky for him, help was already on its way. His case was one of the worst among the 6705 road accidents that happened last year and was one of the few that involved a person below 20-years old.

Farhan then called to relate the story. I was dumbfounded and I was not sure of what to do at that point of time. My hands were cold and shivering hysterically. I could feel blood draining out of my head. Disturbing thoughts of blood, loss and even death played recurrently in my mind. It took me minutes to settle down and hours more to compose myself together. I finally made my way to the hospital putting up a strong façade of strength and stability.

As I sat myself in front of the emergency theatre, I saw many crying for him. Aunts, uncles, cousins, sister-in-laws and even school friends. They were all there, anticipating his recovery, with tiny glimmers of hope as nurses and doctors swept through the darkened corridors carrying instruments that could save his very life.

I started to pray diligently since. Prayers were all for him: for his safety, recovery, and life. I prayed that God would wake him up and let him live life like the way he used to. At the end of three weeks, he was well enough to be discharged and I finally could breathe easy again.

As I sat by his bedside a few days after he got discharged, he told me with much gusto of how the accident happened. He was like a ball of energy almost exploding as he enlightened me of his experience for the umpteenth time. He admitted that it was all due to his carelessness and low level of patience. He was gentlemanly enough to apologise for not being able to continue with our routine night conversations. After long moments of persuasion, I told him that we could continue our phone conversations after he has recovered fully. I gave him a peck on the forehead before I left and throughout the journey home I couldn’t help it but smile.

Yes, he was my first love. Or so, I thought. He was the man who could make me feel a potpourri of joy, jealousy, disappointment, pain, pride, anger, fear - all in a single conversation. But I realised that we knew each other too well (although we have only met four times throughout our 3 year friendship) to even fall in love. It was just impossible.

He was the lone soul who wanted to listen to me and often managed to lift up my mood whenever I was down. He was the one who brought in hope when the walls of my world threatened to crumble upon me. He made me feel good about myself and changed my perception of life as a whole. He believed in looking on the brighter side of life and even managed to convince me unknowingly to believe the same. He was the one who made me accept the existence of God and place my faith deeply to religion.

And for the above reasons, I always look forward to chat with him because he is unpredictable. You will never know how a conversation may take its turn when you talk to him.

Ah yes, it he is Muhammad Ramadhan Bin Ismail, my best friend I am talking about. One whom I simply adore, love, respect and will always cherish.

1452 words

12:23 pm

a fellow friend cried in my arms todayy.

dear friend, if u're reading this..
we know it was (in the infamous words of phyllis peters) an outburst.
however, u deserve better.
we all love u darling.

be strong and move on.

12:12 am

i have developed a sudden love for this almost-bimbotic song..
stars are blind by paris hilton.

yes, why not.? doesnt matter who it comes from as long as you like the SONG what, ryte.? it makes me feel carefree and happy and wanna bounce. uhh, dance i mean. anw, its reggaeton muuuuusssiiiicc babe, who can ever resist it.?

ohh, paris.!!

zhao jie aka alot-of-names is 18 today. which suddenly reminds me that i dont wanna grow old. hahaa, kayy random.

dead man's chest was good but i preferred the the black pearl. hahaaa. but my dear CAPTAIN (aye.!!) jack sparrow was in the movie so it doesnt really matter.

"Even all the stars are blind
If you show me real love, baby
I'll show you mine
I can make it nice and naughty
Be the devil and angel too
Got a heart and soul and body
Let's see what this love can do
Baby, I'm perfect for you.."

oh shit. hahaaa.

12:28 am

Stop this pain tonight..
just stop this pain tonight..

10:42 pm

my love.

11:10 pm

part 1

dma presentation wasnt as bad as we all thot it wld be. i was a happy girl after that. can u tell, can u tell.? hahaha.

but the joy ends here my friends. we have our OM managerial report and presentation, MMR report and execution of the DMA concept to do.. no more slacking, seriously.

i am nt sure why some can just take datelines for granted.

it sucks to know that some are complaining perpetually and not doing anything to help.
it sucks to know that some are piggy-backing their way thru work and knowing that others are putting their hard and soul into it but yet they still do not bother to help the rest out in times of need.
it sucks to know that some have the time to pursue leisure activities even when other group members are slogging their way to strive for the better - not for a passing grade, but a distinction.

i swear i damn these ppl.

even if u do not care, cant u spare a thot for others who're putting their heads on the line just to save the group from misery and last-minute pain.? so please, buck ur asses up for the sake of humanity and friendship.

part 2

okayy. on the other hand, yesterday was the AI band concert. Here, the choir is left out bcos they.. (errmm.. i dont think i can say it here cos ms peters will sue me for defamation.) oh well, all i can say is that standard dropped although they had better songs to play than during my time (which wasnt too long ago).

the drum major was one of the worst players of her time - getting the tuning note right and proper only in the mids of her second year in concert band. she was a tough one to guide. but seeing her play her bass clar with gusto and confidence and having that red sash across her uniform made me wanna cry.. the band major was a clarinetist too. all brought up single-handedly by me a couple of years back.

yes, i was a proud mummy yesterday.

sometimes i soooo do miss band. but bcos of current commtiments like school, granny, design, bf etc, i had to sacrifice my love for it. i also knew my fate with my buffet clarinet wldnt last long. aaah, i guess it was all for the better.

i shud start doing work now or else, i'd never get things done.
gd nyte.

11:33 pm

nice try. hahahaa.

i am too sleepy that i forgot what i wanted to blog abt. maybe tmr lads.


gd nyte world. =)

11:37 pm

hahahh, they're all independent of each other lahh dumbarse.

overall, germany '06 hasnt been too happening in an undescribable manner compared to previous seasons like france '98 and korea/japan '02. '06 3rd/4th placing game would be a more worthy match to watch compared to the finals. france is gonna win the world cup. period.

anw, today in the lift as i was going back, a little kid farted in my face. loud squishy farts - twice. and the worst thing is that his parents DID NOT apologise for his behaviour. not that i actually mind the kid doing so (he said "wo yao pang sai.." or something to that effect. freaking cute ah.), but its BASIC COURTESY on the parents part to do so, dont u think.? i mean, if i were to fart in public, in which i do quite often, i do apologise if i think the sound that comes out is within hearing range of others around me. (if its a silent one, then of course not lahh.)

i think, i think too much. =/

talking abt farts and courtesy, i know of someone who hurries to the toilet whenever she feels likes farting. hahahaa. damn cute can.?!

ahh, lets slide back dow to reality people. the density of MY schoolwork is still withstandable and managable but with my other design commitments piling on top of the already deteriorated mind, its almost pressurising. projects, projects and more of them. i actually cant wait for exams and get this semester over and done with. alhamdulillah, i'm still alive. =)

oh well.
happy end-of-world-cup all.

10:48 pm

hahahaa. Brazil got kicked out of the world cup.. HAHAHAAA. go go go my Frenchies. =)) somehow, it didnt come as a surprise for me. Brazil has won too many world cups to begin with. shud be given up to more deserving teams like PORTUUUUGAAALL.

so much for their 'joga bonito'.

anw, i havent been having the best of weeks.. its just sooooo solemn and depressing nowadays. i'm not sure why but it must be the PMS again. and this term, i have been procrastinating like shit.. i'm always too lazy to do my work - too lazy to even do anything at all.. talking abt work, only 1 survey out of 10 is done.

oh God, help me pluck up the courage to ask the irritating yishun MATs english questions that they may find complicated and uncomprehensible. amin.

ahh, moving on to more trivial matters, farah fatin's family is coming in half hours' time cos pak long just came back from dubai (he works there). chocolates actually play a HUUUGGEE part in improving my days. so i hope i get the chocolates i asked for.. =))

ps: yes, i'm rooting for portugal now..

happy advanced monday all.

1:44 pm